someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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