so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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