genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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