This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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