Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
