"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
