My friends, they love my intelligence
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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