I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
