Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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