I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
