In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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