That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Randomize
