i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
