how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
