there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
