how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
