wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
