mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
