you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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