I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
