Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
