i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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