i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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