Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
