No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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