Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
