Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
