The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
