I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
one might say we're banned from that church
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
