Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
