you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
