I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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