His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
