btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
