I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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