I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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