just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
