I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
