My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
