can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
