i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
