does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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