the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
