We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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