Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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