someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
