Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
