do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
