when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
