chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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