I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
