i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
