I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
